What’s good my readers!!! It feels like a Friday huh? Or maybe it’s just me, but either way I am in a good mood and despite the universe throwing me a curve ball, I AM STILL GOOD! How are all of you? I hope everyone is well that’s for sure. But okay, back to this post!
So you ever have those life changing moments where your life is suddenly put into perspective and then you walk away a changed person? Or at least with more clarity? Yeah that’s what happened to me this last week. I had mentioned D in the last post I think about how he professed his love etc, but then that weird girl came in and fucked shit up…So moving forward I just had a real talk with him and told him yeah I like him, but I am not ready to really jump into anything just yet. I just wanted to take it slow and mainly focus on myself and building up who I am. After a lot of self reflection I realized I have so much to offer someone else and don’t need to settle and sleep around to fill a void. I need to be patient, focus on bettering my situation and then when I least expect it I’m sure someone great will come along, and if not? Who cares. My partner will have to ADD to my happiness, not be the source of it. I am still learning to keep my guard up a bit more and not be so trusting of everyone because let’s be real, not everyone has your best interest at heart. That’s the main issue when you have a big heart like me, you tend to try to see the good in everyone even when it isn’t there. I can’t tell you how many time that has gotten me hurt, I mean hence my last relationship lasting so long. I was always so desperate for love and to be accepted by someone that I didn’t care how bad they treated me. I am no psychologist, but I’m pretty sure that stems from my childhood and the lack of love and attention I got from both my parents. It’s crazy because I would always say how much I didn’t want to be like my own mom who hoed around, but here I am doing the same shit. I had to get it together, so after talking to D I felt better and realized it’ll be okay. It always is, something that is for certain is life will always go on with or without you, so we can either fight it and struggle or accept it and keep moving forward right? Moral of the story I am not chasing anyone or begging anyone to see my worth and stick around. I know who I am and though there is still plenty to work on, the progress I have made in this month alone is amazing. When I think about the overall progress I have made in the last 7 months with my ex and that whole messy situation I have to give myself more credit because it hasn’t been easy. Even now I see that my ex is struggling with my ever evolving self. Just Monday he was trying to harass me after HE specifically told me to leave him alone (I confronted him on being a bad dad last week) and he blocked me right after. So the fact that he had to go out of his way to text me 3 times before I told him to leave me alone, well it really set him off. He tried to fight with me and each time I just shut it down and said “Look you told me to never speak to you unless you had our daughter in your care and that’s what I’m doing”. I mean after all our daughter was with me so why does he think it’s okay to message me trying to tell me how to parent? I don’t do that when he has her, I only tell him something if he messages me first with an issue. I also got child support papers in the mail so the county is moving forward with the case since the courts are closed to the public right now. We still have to figure out visitation etc, but this is a step in the right direction.
I currently feel happier, lighter, a little more carefree and since I got my stimulus check finally I bought myself a few things. I never spend on myself out of fear of needing that money later, but I figured why not? I deserve it. I gave some money to my aunt to help out with bills, since she pays for 90% of the household and I’m blessed enough to not have to pay for anything besides my own personal bills which lets be real isn’t a lot. I feel a little guilty for spending so much on clothes but then again I know it’s cause they’re name brand and it’s also been like 3 years since I got new clothes. I usually hate online shopping and regular clothes shopping hence why I wear the same stuff. I also ordered some shoes too, because mine are falling apart and I figured it was time to upgrade. I’m so excited for my stuff to get here! I know they say money can’t buy happiness, but it can definitely lighten a mood. I’m trying my hardest to not spend anymore, but I LOVE CLOTHES.
Anyways, I hope you all have a wonderful and light day! Keep your head up and just remember we’re all in this shitty lock down together. I appreciate each and every one of my readers and my next post will be more planned out I promise!
Daily Confessions 