Today’s Confession (4/20)

I “met” someone new recently and so far things have been good, but my inner fucked up mind is telling me to dip before I really get to know this person, which brings me to today’s topic: Sex. How do you all out there handle sex in general? Do you see it more as a bonding thing, so therefore you don’t just sleep with anyone? Or…are you more on the casual side and see it as a biological thing that can be shared with anyone? The whole topic really confuses me because I used to think sex was special and should be treated as such with someone just as special, but now that I am older and single I’ll admit my body count has gone up…

See when I was with my ex aka my last relationship of of 6 SHITTY years, I had only been with a few people and most of them were a one time thing. Now, the game has changed and we live in a world where sex isn’t so taboo and in fact there is a whole culture norm about it with apps like Tinder, Bumble etc. I will admit first hand I have tried my hand at these apps and honestly men on there are to horny for their own good, I was honestly terrified to open half of my messages cause there would be some VULGAR and obscene shit being said. I have “met” a few cool people on their but to be honest I couldn’t bring myself to meet them because let’s be real who really can trust the internet these days? Call me old fashioned, but I really would rather sleep with someone I meet in person first, not online. With that being said, I am still friends with some of the people I have hooked up with. I used to think it was weird, but now that I am into casual sex I think it’s cool. I get to hookup with a friend who I love and trust all while still being able to be their friend, I wouldn’t want it any other way. For instance, I have a friend who has been my crush since 7th grade, just moved into my complex and it’s awesome because it finally gave us the chance to hangout more since he had lived so far as well as hook up and then when things are done he just leaves and that’s that. It’s perfect cause he’s never far away and always down.

Now to the tea. The new guy I “met” actually slid in the DM’s from another friend we have in common. I was ranting to my friend about how I’m so alone and if he knew any guys to send them my way and boom he did. In comes this beautiful human with a jaw line that could cut glass…Sheesh I had to take a hit off my inhaler cause this guy looked to good to be true, which brings me to my second point. I think he is to good to be true. At first he seemed like a typical fuck boy, just asking for nudes and that sucked. I mean I won’t lie I had them, but I also am super tired of fuck boys. I have played the field enough and now I want something solid. Not to mention it was crazy to think that someone that fine would actually like me right? Either way we FaceTimed and it was okay and by okay I mean awkward as shit cause not even five minutes into the convo it turned sexual, but I stuck with it and laughed. I expressed that I wasn’t up to do that, but if he wanted to, I mean I won’t be mad, I just personally don’t get down that way. Fast forward to the weekend and we stayed up talking and getting to know each other and here we are in day…5? and I can say I actually like him. I haven’t felt this giddy in a LONG time and it’s kinda terrifying. I mean it’s cool because I didn’t know I could feel this way again, I really like that he’s open to what I suggest and if he hasn’t heard of something guess what? He’s already down to try it. It’s little things like this that make me giddy like a toddler at Disneyland. I was so used to being put down and told every horrible thing there is and now to have this? Someone who listens, who cares and really overall gives a shit about what I’m saying is really refreshing, but now the hard part is coming. The first meet up…I am super excited, but at the same time I am also nervous because what if I am not what he expects and feels like I catfished him? My self esteem isn’t the best so I am hardcore freaking out. Someone so fine like that compared to my plain ass? Na. But I guess we will have to see what’s up and I promise I will for sure write about it. Sex is off the table cause Mother Nature decided to have different plans for me which is good cause I really don’t just want casual sex from this guy. I have a feeling about him, something is different, but I just don’t know if it’s good or bad yet. I can tell he’s going to play a big role in this next chapter of my life. Stay tuned. I know the tone of this was good, but I keep getting distracted by IG and I have been sitting here for over an hour and I am honestly tired of writing so I’m going to leave this as is! Thanks for reading, I appreciate all of you.