Daily Confessions

Daily Confession (4/24)

Okay readers, today’s post is going to be a bit ranty so I apologize in advance. So, basically long story short the new guy I was talking to you all about saw that I had posted a screenshot from him on Twitter and was venting about our whole situation and got upset. Now first off, I should say this all stems from last night (4/23). I had mentioned in the last post about how anxious I feel etc and that hadn’t changed, if anything it had gotten worse and I was really starting to spiral. For those who don’t have any mental health issues well just imagine overthinking something to the point of feeling sick, that’s what I have been feeling. So I took it upon myself to message T later in the night and ask if he was okay cause he had been leaving me on read etc for a little bit and he claimed he was fine just with family, but of course naturally that wasn’t enough for eager ass so later on I posted a funny meme and tagged my friend in it and T saw and replied. From there I decided to bite the bullet and really ask what was going on because I was making myself sick with anxiety and worry, it sounds dumb I know trust me, but I was genuinely scared because I have not felt this way about anyone in over six years. Fast forward some messages and I just straight up asked like hey what is this? What are we doing and of course he dry responses were vague and not really helpful or what I wanted to hear, but from what I had gathered it seemed like this: He wasn’t ready for a relationship right away, he did like me but he just wanted to take things slow. Now again, all this was very short and basic, he didn’t really answer me in a clear way, there were still things I felt I wanted to know, but I didn’t want to be too much to soon so I left it alone. Bottom line, I wasn’t cool with his weak replies, but I accepted it because it was something which is better than nothing. However, I did feel anxious still so I hit up the homie Reuben and we talked for a good hour. In between that I was also venting to my sister and tattoo artist and you know what? They ALL said the same thing, that this dude was a walking red flag and that he had played me. He hit it and quit it and now he was just giving me a little attention just to keep me there, but not enough to really build on. With all this in my head I had decided I was over it and pretty mad about the whole thing. I let it go though and I was actually able to go to sleep for the first time in days.

Which brings me to today’s story. I woke up to a IG message from T and we we’re talking like whatever, he had his dry ass response as usual and I left it alone. This is where I decided to take it to Twitter and vent which I would find to be a bad idea shortly after. So I basically posted a screenshot of his message from last night and blurred out all the main info that would tie him to this pic and underneath it I just told my side and what I felt etc about being mad, confused, felt used all that good shit. A few hours later I see a text from T and as soon as I opened it I saw it was my screenshot and I just knew I fucked up. As I had started to read the long text, he called me. I panicked and wasn’t sure if I should answer or not, but I know not answering was a bitch move and not cool. So I picked up and yeah he was PISSED. Now this is where it gets interesting because from his whole angry tirade I understand WHY he was mad, yes I was WRONG, but like I had tried to explain to him, I was confused as shit, I mean I tried to talk to him the night before and the energy wasn’t there. Now he’ calling me super upset and acting like I ruined something that was potential, yet again, I didn’t even know we had that vibe cause the last few days he had been acting so dry. But anyways he basically said he doesn’t want a relationship with ANYONE anymore, that this whole thing had made him second guess me because who knows what else I’m saying behind his back AND that if I really felt this way I should have hit him up and told him. There it was…I was like are you kidding me?!! I have BEEN hitting you up and trying to get to the bottom of it and all I get is a 2-5 word reply. Then he hit me with the “at this point I just want friends, if you want to stay in my life you can hangout with me and my friends” and that this whole thing was going to make him back off. Umm…WHAT. So that was basically the whole conversation, him telling me why he was mad which I get 100%, I didn’t make excuses I told him I was super sorry, felt bad and just didn’t think of the consequences because I always post crazy shit and never had anyone call me out before. He basically ended the convo saying he had to go eat and that he’ll just text me later, but let’s be real he ain’t going to text me, He’s hurt and I had caused it. There wasn’t really much I could say, I mean he did say he would get over it and not let it ruin his day but it ruined mine.

Now this is part 3. So I was kinda mad about this whole thing still, especially because his friend (the one who set us up) had ratted me out. I was going to confront the friend but then I was like na I am guilty and it was my own fault there is no excuse. But then I got this idea to go creep T’s Twitter because why not? So after investigating and seeing his stuff, I found this guy was crying over some girl on 4/20…and then a few weeks prior he was over here posting about his “love” and I just sat here like…HUH?!! How you going to sit here and act like we had so much potential AND make me feel bad while playing the victim when you’re just as sus as me?!! I have been trying to get to know this man and his whole story ( I had no idea his breakup or whatever the hell you call it was SO recent) and he was ALWAYS so vague and more focused on other things like trying to get into my pants. So now I am sitting here mad cause it’s like bro yeah I messed up and was foul for doing what I did, but you’re foul yourself for acting like you were so perfect and into me when in reality you didn’t show me nearly as much attention as you did before we slept together and then you hide behind the fact that you don’t like to text etc but yet could take pictures and update IG right? I don’t know anymore part of me wants to ghost him and just move forward, but another part of me still feels bad and misses him and feels like I should stick around and see what could happen. But then everyone else says move on cause he wasn’t even someone serious. Like When I picture my dream guy and who I want to marry T wasn’t it. I think I was just so amped up on the idea of having someone new and something worth exploring even if it was short lived you know? The one thing I do like is that from all this I no longer feel anxious. My appetite has come back and so is my sleep. So no matter what yeah I’ll be okay and it’s a lesson learned, but I am a little bummed I won’t get to add more to this chapter. Instead it’s just one more body under me and my quest continues.

As usual, thank you guys for reading and always showing my blog support and love! After today’s debacle I should really not be so open online, but I mean we’re on lockdown and everyone needs entertainment right? Plus at this point I really can give two fucks about what anyone has to say, this is MY truth and I am free to express it however and whenever I want and I choose writing. It’s therapeutic and let’s me release that tension. Anyways, if you guys have some feedback or points of views I mean feel free to chime in!

Daily Confession (4/21)

Hey everyone welcome back! So I know some of you want to know what happened and well I will try to keep it short and simple, but honest. It went AMAZING, there was a little bit of awkwardness on my end in the beginning only because I am super socially awkward especially when it comes to new people, but once that wore off everything went better than I could have imagined. He definitely was not what I expected, because of his social media kind of portrays him as a fuck boy, but he didn’t have that with me, he was real and super affectionate which I missed and it reminded me of how much I deserved that. I’ll admit I was super caught off guard at first when he was acting like that because ad I have said I am not used to it, though I have been missing that for some years now I just couldn’t believe it was happening with a guy this attractive and one I had just met. He was only over for a little bit, but the time we shared together was awesome and I look forward to the next encounter.

The whole overall aspect really showed me that I did and do deserve better than my ex. I was sitting here after he left thinking like “Wow this is how a relationship should be, affection and being totally comfortable with each other”. I can’t believe I ever allowed my ex to act the way he did. I used to beg for his attention and love and he wouldn’t even give me the bare minimum and I would still be blind and say I was okay with that, and after today I just cringe at how stupid I was for letting him take advantage of me and treating me the way he did even in public. Even as his girlfriend he was still scared to show affection in public and I eventually grew to think this was normal and being with T today showed me that it wasn’t. He wasn’t embarrassed of me, in fact he was all over me and had to ask ME if I was embarassed cause I wasn’t showing the affection back. Of course I had to explain that I was into him and happy, but I just wasn’t used to that level of affection and he was kind about it and understood.

I have to say that so far things are pretty good, I know he has some feels cause it was pretty obvious and he even accidentally said he loved me. I know he didn’t mean it like that, he was trying to say he loved spending time with me. We are currently texting and I told him how much I did like him but I was scared because I fall fast and I know this is all new and it’s so silly to say anything like that but I am happy and I just don’t want it to end. He agreed to take it slow, that he does like me and that he had a lot of fun today and was sorry for being all over me but that he was just super excited to see me. I told him thank you for being so patient and kind and that I promise I will be better with accepting that affection. I also had to throw in that his reassurance helped ease my mind cause though he is awesome so far he does text kinda vague so sometimes he says stuff that makes me wonder and then being me I get in my head and start over analyzing things and ruining my mood with shit that hasn’t even happened. I don’t know why I do that, it’s really annoying because the anxiety gets to me to where I can’t even eat or sleep cause I am so lost in my thoughts going over everything. You know that saying “Do not stress what you can’t control”? Yeah I do exactly that and I know I shouldn’t but I just cant stop. I know I would be happier and life would be easier to just let all that go, but seriously for the life of me I just can’t. I am so god damn scared of getting hurt again so I shut down but at the same time I want a love so deep and intense. Regardless of that, I’ll end this on a good note. The hard part is over, we met, he saw me naked and best of all he still likes me. Now all I can do is try to relax and take it slow. He seems like a decent guy so far so let’s see if this works out! Until next time…thank you for reading and I appreciate the love!

Today’s Confession (4/20)

I “met” someone new recently and so far things have been good, but my inner fucked up mind is telling me to dip before I really get to know this person, which brings me to today’s topic: Sex. How do you all out there handle sex in general? Do you see it more as a bonding thing, so therefore you don’t just sleep with anyone? Or…are you more on the casual side and see it as a biological thing that can be shared with anyone? The whole topic really confuses me because I used to think sex was special and should be treated as such with someone just as special, but now that I am older and single I’ll admit my body count has gone up…

See when I was with my ex aka my last relationship of of 6 SHITTY years, I had only been with a few people and most of them were a one time thing. Now, the game has changed and we live in a world where sex isn’t so taboo and in fact there is a whole culture norm about it with apps like Tinder, Bumble etc. I will admit first hand I have tried my hand at these apps and honestly men on there are to horny for their own good, I was honestly terrified to open half of my messages cause there would be some VULGAR and obscene shit being said. I have “met” a few cool people on their but to be honest I couldn’t bring myself to meet them because let’s be real who really can trust the internet these days? Call me old fashioned, but I really would rather sleep with someone I meet in person first, not online. With that being said, I am still friends with some of the people I have hooked up with. I used to think it was weird, but now that I am into casual sex I think it’s cool. I get to hookup with a friend who I love and trust all while still being able to be their friend, I wouldn’t want it any other way. For instance, I have a friend who has been my crush since 7th grade, just moved into my complex and it’s awesome because it finally gave us the chance to hangout more since he had lived so far as well as hook up and then when things are done he just leaves and that’s that. It’s perfect cause he’s never far away and always down.

Now to the tea. The new guy I “met” actually slid in the DM’s from another friend we have in common. I was ranting to my friend about how I’m so alone and if he knew any guys to send them my way and boom he did. In comes this beautiful human with a jaw line that could cut glass…Sheesh I had to take a hit off my inhaler cause this guy looked to good to be true, which brings me to my second point. I think he is to good to be true. At first he seemed like a typical fuck boy, just asking for nudes and that sucked. I mean I won’t lie I had them, but I also am super tired of fuck boys. I have played the field enough and now I want something solid. Not to mention it was crazy to think that someone that fine would actually like me right? Either way we FaceTimed and it was okay and by okay I mean awkward as shit cause not even five minutes into the convo it turned sexual, but I stuck with it and laughed. I expressed that I wasn’t up to do that, but if he wanted to, I mean I won’t be mad, I just personally don’t get down that way. Fast forward to the weekend and we stayed up talking and getting to know each other and here we are in day…5? and I can say I actually like him. I haven’t felt this giddy in a LONG time and it’s kinda terrifying. I mean it’s cool because I didn’t know I could feel this way again, I really like that he’s open to what I suggest and if he hasn’t heard of something guess what? He’s already down to try it. It’s little things like this that make me giddy like a toddler at Disneyland. I was so used to being put down and told every horrible thing there is and now to have this? Someone who listens, who cares and really overall gives a shit about what I’m saying is really refreshing, but now the hard part is coming. The first meet up…I am super excited, but at the same time I am also nervous because what if I am not what he expects and feels like I catfished him? My self esteem isn’t the best so I am hardcore freaking out. Someone so fine like that compared to my plain ass? Na. But I guess we will have to see what’s up and I promise I will for sure write about it. Sex is off the table cause Mother Nature decided to have different plans for me which is good cause I really don’t just want casual sex from this guy. I have a feeling about him, something is different, but I just don’t know if it’s good or bad yet. I can tell he’s going to play a big role in this next chapter of my life. Stay tuned. I know the tone of this was good, but I keep getting distracted by IG and I have been sitting here for over an hour and I am honestly tired of writing so I’m going to leave this as is! Thanks for reading, I appreciate all of you.

The Lying King

Just when I think we have it semi figured out and finally ready to move on, here you come with all your bullshit.

I don’k think it’s fair for you to make all these rules for me, but when it comes to yourself and I ask for those same boundaries in return you look at me like I am talking out of my ass. You need to stop playing games and figure out what your issues, because I am sick of being on the receiving end of all this back and forth. Yeah I have issues too, but at least I am alone and slowly chipping away at them, while you on the other hand are running around behind your girlfriend’s back and cheating on her every chance you get. Get a fuckin clue and stop hurting everyone else in your escapades. Nevermind me, but our daughter looked up to you so much before all this mess. Now all she knows you for is trip to the zoo and disappointment. You will never understand how hard it is to see her face drop when I have to tell her you’re canceling on her again because you made last minute plans and didn’t tell me. The countless nights I have had to spend staying up and holding her little hand because she was having trouble breathing due to her asthma flare up. I potty trained our autistic daughter all on my OWN and what do you do? You go and leave her potty at your house knowing damn well how much I needed it. Why? Because you’re selfish and don’t care about anyone but yourself, even after I text you to remind you several times and still you left me hanging yet again.

What’s really sad is I used to blame myself for your unhappiness and cheating ways. I would sit there late at night while you slept and would ask myself what I can do to make you want me more. The verbal and mental abuse I put up with from you is so sad, looking back I legit pity myself because there is no way I would have ever allowed that from anyone else, love or not and you knew. You took advantage of my love in so many ways and even now I struggle with knowing when you’re sincere or bluffing. I can say honestly I am not fully over the breakup and learn every day to let go little by little and not look back. I also know one day I will be moved on from all this and healed and won’t ever need to rely on you for anything. You really are a weak and sad pathetic excuse for a so called man. It is not my job or anyone else’s to make you into something you are NOT. You are responsible for your own happiness and until you learn that, you will keep plowing through hookers and any other hoes you find in your way.

No matter what has happened and will, I am trying to be better and will still wish you well. Just don’t ever come to me again for anything because that bridge is burned for good and you can’t swim so all hope is lost for us ever reconnecting and coming back if that was even a possibility, not that I wanted that really, but you are the father of my kid and apart of me will always want my family together, but alas that isn’t in the cards for us and I am okay with that. I just hope we co parent and stay out of each other’s way, you more so than me. I will always have love for you, but I stick to what I said. I really hope you get help and find what you’re looking for before it’s to late. You don’t want to be so focused on what comes next that you miss out on the here and now, the beautiful little moments and blink and then you’re 45 with a drinking problem. However, I can only say what I wish and hope for, in the end it us up to you. In the mean time I will be here focusing on me and being the best mom and dad I can be for our daughter because she needs that. I may not have as much as you right now, but I am focused on the bigger picture and setting myself for the future, so before you try to put me down again just remember it is ME who is holding it down for myself as well as our daughter, with no help from you or family, I am doing my best and if it wasn’t for me sacrificing everything, your life would really be hard and you wouldn’t have half of what you have now. I have given up having a social life as well as dating because our daughter comes first and when the day comes for her to flee the nest she will know who was really there for her.